...how I hate summer.

At no time has summer ever been a refuge for me from pain.
I dare say, this hot season is my own personal form of hell year after year.

Every summer means loss.
Every loss means pain.
Pain on top of pain that I carry with me through the seasons of my life.

This summer has been one of the best in its own way~ and one of the worst. For the first summer since we left my father, we haven't been evicted, although its been close. For the first summer since ever, I actually managed to stay in touch with friends who made an effort to stay in touch with me as much as I did them.

But for all the good in life there must be a balance... and since my summers never bode good, it seems this summer is trying to compensate me with my worst fear. I feel like I've been loosing my small family this summer, even as some of my reclusive half-siblings come a-calling, its only for selfish reasons-- they still don't care.

My sister... my mom... my nephew... they are all I've had for so long, they are what I care for the most, cherish the most. I want them to be happy, to be together, to never have to suffer again. I want to repay them for the sacrifices they've made for me but... I'm loosing them. One already gone, the others slowly fading out-- I live a waking nightmare when they aren't in my sight, wondering if they'll be there when I return.

I lost one of my closest friends, one that I sacrificed so much for and worked so hard to rebuild our friendship and still. William was my refuge, as was Jesse before him and Kevin before him. Someone I could trust my problems to, someone I could open up to about my family, the one thing I protect from even my closest and dearest friends. Someone who I could lay myself vulnerable to the core to, so that I didn't feel so alone in my suffering.

But this summer, my heart has had no such refuge, and the family I have so fiercely tried to protect is falling apart and I'm powerless to do anything.

This is to be my last journal. Even this small retreat holds no comfort or safety for me anymore.

My strength is gone.
There's no one I can trust.
Why live?